It’s been quite a while since I’ve written a serious and/or spiritual post. (April 29, 2019: We. Are. It.) Wow. But I really, really felt that it was time. I hope y’all get something out of it! Even if it is super long and ramble-y. 🙂
For months, I have been trying to formulate a post in my head, and just can’t. It’s too much. Too raw. And just too un-positive. But…it’s real.
So here I am.
2019 was a long, long journey. It was honestly the hardest year of my life, from almost the very beginning. (and I know it was for many of you, as well) I could go through and list every little and big thing that happened, but this isn’t a pity party. So I’ll keep it to myself.
I mastered the fake smile last year. And fooled most people. I say that to say, you have no idea who is currently in the worst trial of their life. There is almost no way you can know who’s struggling, whose life is crumbling down around them behind their facade.
As the one who was wearing that fake smile, I can tell you it’s lonely. And it’s hard. Because, really, not many people actually understand.
But I learned (and am still learning) SO MUCH. So. very. much. I cannot begin to explain the depth of the lessons I’ve learned. Until you’ve been through a God-given trial, you could never understand anyway. And now, I see everything in a completely different way. I can truly say that I am eternally grateful to God for these trials.
I am not even the same person I was– looking back at my old posts, another girl wrote those; it wasn’t who I am now. That girl was naive and so very ignorant of who God really was and what sacrifice really meant. Even though she was beyond willing to be whatever and do whatever for Him, she didn’t have any idea what that truly meant.
Oh, how those trials have changed me. (and still are) My faith in Him is far greater than I could have imagined, because there were so many moments that all I had was faith. My perspective of this world has changed entirely and priorities have been shifted. I love God so much more than ever. He was my dearest friend through it all, and I can’t express how amazing He is. He brought me to my lowest point, simply so that I’d find Him in the rawest of ways.
My worship is different; it’s authentic and instantaneous and straight from my gut. Because He grew me. Because He provided. Because He counted me worthy to go through this trial. Because He never left me.
Now, when the music starts playing on “just midweek church night” tears fall down my face in thankfulness. Now, when people say “God is good!” a smile spreads across my face that I can’t stop, because I know the truth of that statement. I know I could never ever praise Him enough, but I get to spend my whole life paying that debt. I am so grateful He chose to put me on the pottery wheel last year and mold me into something different, something He could use.
And even if He brought me through these trials solely to teach me to worship, so be it. Still I am thankful, and still I will praise. He is worth every bit of pain we could experience!
I also have learned so much about finding and knowing God’s will. I’m nowhere near perfect, but my sensitivity is stronger and I have experience in what being in His will feels like. God’s taught me how to walk by faith and not by my sight. Because my sight is jaded; my eyes can’t see things the way He does. So I trust. And I close my eyes, shutting out me and, by faith, let Him lead. Although frightening, it’s so rewarding.
Jesus, I love you!
‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!
I’m so glad I learned to trust Him,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend
And I know that He is with me,
Will be with me to the end.
Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood
And in simple faith to plunge me
‘Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ‘tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, joy and peace.